"Its okay.. its gonna be okay…" I keep telling myself over and over as I sit clutching my knees to my chest rocking back and forth in my chair. The warm brown eyes of my pup never leave me as he watches from the floor. Every thought breaks my breaths half way out of my chest as sweat trickles down the back of my neck. "Someone wants you here. You aren’t alone.." I whisper to myself, trying to make myself believe the truth even as I deny it in my mind. I feel my heart begin to race as my breathing quickens and I wonder if I care enough to slow it down.
“Sweetheart you have to slow your breathing down for me.. you have to breathe.” Her voice echoes in the back of my mind, while another tries to yell over hers.
“She’s going to leave and you know it. They all leave. You have ruined every part of your life. Congratulations. You can officially be called a major fuck up. Should I call you major fuck up? Oh wait. You aren’t even a private. You didn’t make it in the military remember?”
“Stop it.. stop it.. go away.. I don’t believe you..” I stutter out, no one hears my cries as no one hears their voices.
“You know you want it.”
“No.. no.. I don’t…”
“Oh come on. It was your idea. Get the belt. Let’s do this.” I cover my ears as if that would stop her voice from speaking again. Tears running in a steady stream down my face, I reach for my belt with shaking hands. What’s the point anymore? I’ve ruined it all. I quickly turn to my phone and try to call someone.. anyone.. the line rings..and rings. No answer. I try another.. again. No answer. In vain I try one last time. Again. No answer. Crying significantly harder now, I wonder if Elianna would be happy to see me. If after two long years I could finally see her face again. I shudder with hate.. how could I think such things? I promised I wouldn’t. And yet.. why am I even here? I’ve isolated myself again. With no friends, a family that ignores me, and a job I’m about to lose. Wait no. That’s wrong.. it can’t be right.. I have people that love me.. my chosen family. They are still there….right? And you know momma still loves you.. she’s just busy at work. And you’re losing your job because you just earned another one. Don’t be silly. You have Fred, he still hasn’t taken his eyes off you. Look at what you still have, not at what you’ve lost. Focus. You are still needed. And yet.. all I can think of, is tying this belt around my throat and hanging myself in that door frame. “Stop it. Stop. Stop. Stop.” I whisper to myself as the breaths are becoming harder to take.
“Just let me take over. You won’t regret it.”
“How could I regret it.. you won’t let me live long enough..”
“That’s my point. Let me win. You know you just want to give up. Kayla wants to see you.”
“Leave her out of this…”
“Why? You want to see her. She’s the whole reason I’m even here. Lost your nutter when she offed yourself didn’t you? Of course there wasn’t much there to begin with. Kinda sad Elizabeth didn’t off you.”
“Make me.” My breathing is shallow, almost nonexistent. My heart has slowed further than it should have, as the panic attack breaks me apart. I will myself to keep breathing, to keep myself alive. My vision is dark around the edges and I hate myself for giving in. I slowly grip the knife in front of me as I beg myself not to.. and yet.. its what I want. All that I crave.
“Sweetheart..you have to breathe.. for me.. do it for me.. please.. you have to be okay.” I hear her voice, a mere whisper. I open my eyes and search through the near black room in hopes she’s close. When my eyes come up empty, I squeeze my fist tighter around the handle of the blade.
“You aren’t real..you would’ve taken this away..” I hear another echo of her voice and I can’t take it any longer. The pain in my chest explodes, the room goes pitch black, my breathing stops, a knife clatters to the floor, as my body falls limp in the chair.